My fear today?

I’m scared today. Or maybe it’s anxiety. I am posting on this here because I have no one to lecture me on staying positive. I am trying to get a business up and running and “no one wants to hear you being negative.” So I bottle it up. (Which by the way therapists don’t recommend.)

I’m facing a big step in the next couple of weeks. Let me try to explain what started this journey. I have never been a gym girl. I haven’t exercised really since high school, besides chasing children. So I started losing weight and I was ready to try it. I thought, “I have been walking let’s start with the treadmill.” I cautiosly walked over to this machine and my confidence was a little deflated. I started reading instructions as I was putting my water bottle in reach. I never thought that it would start by just selecting an instructor. I expected more info to have to be put in. Nope. I hadn’t even gotten the clip for the emergency stop put on and I was thrown back I grabbed the bar to try and keep myself from falling to no avail. I landed in a heap at the back of the beast. ( Picture the pistachio belephant commercial) Embarrassed and fighting back tears as staff came to check on me I said I was fine figuring I pulled a muscle in my arm. Lessons learned the hard way. I concurred the fear by making myself walk a mile regardless!

Later the pain in my arm was relentless and I made it through the day but by the midnight my husband was concerned I may have dislocated my arm since I couldn’t lift it. A trip to ER and an x-ray said I had bursitis. Take off work and light duty. Any diagnosis that doesn’t involve a cast or hospitalization does not get me to take off work. I work in home healthcare and they do not give sick days. So I return to work keeping in mind to rest the arm as much as possible.

The Christmas holidays be come and go. Many Dr visits and attempts at physical therapy and we have finally arrived at surgery. My pain meds have impaired a little of my comprehension but my hubby believes they will find the torn rotator cuff we have been trying to get confirmation of for the past couple of months.

My fear is because I have always been the main bread winner in our family and my husband just recently started a part time minimum wage job. We haven’t gotten his first check and my full time job barely pays the bills. The business I have been trying to get going requires toting a bag and with this shoulder being bad it is hard to lift anything. You don’t realize what muscles you use that compensate for a weakened area in your body.

This is where all the lectures would come in, “Get your other business going. Start believing and trusting that God will take care of you. Give it to the Lord.” I am one that tries to find the positive side to all of my struggling. God uses our trials to help us understand other people’s problems. He has a greater purpose than what we see. I thoroughly believe that. I just hate being in this stage of His strengthening.

Thanks for letting me vent and not lecturing me. Have a blessed day.