Depression strikes again.

I’m fighting myself again. I think I’m fighting the world but no one else seems bothered by the injustice I see.

Backstory my mom wanted me and another woman to throw a 50th anniversary party for them. I’m the only child who has an actual life including a job and family. My 43 yr old brother still lives at home and has no job and spends all day playing on the computer. Anyway I thought it would be fun though . Evidently mom never informed the other woman so it’s just me . So in November I fell and wound up having to have surgery on my shoulder. Now here we are 2 weeks away from the party I haven’t been able to return to work and we have relatives flying in for a party I cannot afford. So I am trying to be creative with how to have the party while being doped up on pain meds. My husband works a few days a week and gets paid biweekly. So I am behind in every imaginable bill I can be behind on. His check barely covers our food and gas for the weeks. So I send out an invite to their church that my dad serves as an elder and assistant pastor in,  stating that it will be a potluck fellowship. The pastor had a fit because I asked the ladies that I thought were my moms friends to bring anything to this. Apparently they are celebrating his birthday the day after this party and a birthday which happens every year is more important than a couple who has weathered 50 years of life’s ups and downs. A celebration that happens once in a lifetime. And seldom seen by many marriages. I’m mad to put it mildly. Livid is closer to it and I cannot shake this.

Mom thinks I should just get over it because Pastor may decide to not let us have it. I told her that would show his true colors. It isn’t like I am Joe off the street asking to have a celebration for Johnny off the street. This is a couple who has given their time and effort to help in any capacity they are requested to help in this church. They ran the food pantry for years, but he doesn’t want to set a precedent. Well maybe he should set a precedent that if you are celebrating 50 years of marriage and are a member of the church family you should be celebrated with a fellowship, that if requested, includes a potluck dinner. Most people wouldn’t ask but seeing that I am so strapped for cash it was the only thing I could think of.

Now I am mad and mom wants me to go to church with them on Easter. I don’t even want to see that man. Yes I know church is about God but how do I even put on a smile for people who are fake friends to my parents. I want to yell scream and throw a good 3 year old temper tantrum. I cried for a good 20 minutes last night. I don’t even want to talk about the party anymore. It makes me sad and angry.

Am I crazy for being mad? Is this anger my depression because I am stressing money so bad right now? I don’t know but it makes me just want to crawl in bed and cry.